Seriously, did you just laugh?

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Have you ever laughed at something not because it was funny, but because it surprised or shocked you?   A friend of mine made an honest remark that when he first heard the opening line to my song “Contradiction?” he laughed.  Why??  Because it seems so crazy to tell someone you love them and yet hate them, it’s a contradiction.  If you hate them, then you clearly don’t love them.  Is that “black and white” statement true, always true, sometimes true….?

Ask anyone who knows me (including my students) and they’ll probably have to think really hard to remember a time when I actually used the word “hate”, even in a casual way.  Like I tell my students, ‘it’s a strong word’ and I don’t want to harbor ‘hate’ towards anything, that’s the kind of thing that eats at a persons’ soul, even if you’re talking about a brand of toothpaste or especially if you’re talking about another child of God.  I used this line because it is the clearest example of opposites that I relate to on an emotional level.   When I hear the opening line to my song: “I love you and I hate you”, it still jars me at some level. 

                Many people like this song, but can’t really identify why.  I personally think on some level it’s an outlet for feeling some angst or melancholy and some people are drawn to that.  But the reason I like it is because it outlines a struggle that I have and probably will always have until I’m older and wiser – this idea of thinking of things in “absolutes” or “black or white”.  When we think this way we often are 1) limiting ourselves to endless possibilities and 2) we’re tending to think that if things are not “black” or not “white” then something must be wrong.  This is what I mean when I say “Here I stand with each foot in different lands, fighting with myself to be on only one side”.  When we force ourselves into 2 options, it doesn’t leave much room for the Holy Spirit to be creative does it?

                What I have learned though and what I hope I illustrated in my song is that it’s okay to be a little bit black, a little bit white.  There’s nothing wrong as the Holy Spirit works within everything, no matter where our feet are standing.  There’s no need to always fit into just one category – especially when it comes to feelings and emotions. All things work together for the good of those who love Him, right? (Romans 8:28)  My hope with this song is that people will see that even if things don’t seem great or clear, it will be okay, it’s working out.  Being open to other options and accepting that something is not purely good or purely bad is really important and freeing.   

                When I think about my “vocation” – I am not happily standing in one “land” and may never be until the day that my deepest longing has been fulfilled: to be in God’s “land”, in the presence of God, face to face.  I think that even people who have made their choice for their vocation, would tell you that sometimes they may have a little toe in a land that they didn’t choose, if only for a moment in their thoughts.  Is that wrong? I don’t think so, God works with us no matter where we’re at.   But don’t get me wrong: there are things like loyalty, integrity and fidelity that are important to adhere to once a vow has been made.  But our God is merciful, beyond our understanding. I guess the point is that no matter where you are at - in the black, white or many shades of grey in between, God’s love and never ending mercy is surrounding us, supporting us and working with us as we journey these waters that appear so “contradictory” to us.

Wow, I really feel like I’ve been talking too much in this blog entry!  Unfortunately this topic is not “cut and dry” or “black and white” and requires a little fleshing out. ;)

  Peace and Blessings to you, enjoy the poem below!

               

               

There’s Two Sides to Everything
C. Marshall, June 2011

I love you and I hate you

It’s good, but it’s sad

It’s over but a new beginning

I’m sad but should be glad

I’m flying high, but am depressed

Am disappointed, but filled with hope

What feels good is not what’s best

And what’s best can feel like a joke

          I’m not sure what to do with you

          The source of my pleasure and pain

          The one who can make me smile or cry

          You raise me up, then tear me down

          You let me in, then shut me out

          Lord God, help me figure this one out!

Here I stand with each foot in different lands

Fighting with myself to be one only one side

I’m not sure what to do with you

Where do we go next?

If we were not meant to walk in this way

Tell me dear, explain to me, how are we to walk?

To this place where you feel fine but I am just used as a friend?

To a place where I give you what you want, but receive little in return?

I’m not sure what to do with you

The source of my pleasure and pain

The one who can make me smile or cry

You raise me up, then tear me down

You let me in, then shut me out

Lord God, help me figure this one out

Why does this have to be so complicated?

But here’s the truth, there’s nothing we did wrong

For the will of God is within both sides

The good and the bad, the love and the anger, the loneliness and joy

The emptiness and fulfillment

The will of God is within it all

It’s within it all