Ready...set.......JUMP!!

Wow, jumping off a deck into unknown, deep water is harder than it looks! 

On the first morning of my stay at a friends’ cabin on the Sunshine Coast of B.C., I decided in true “Chelsea fashion” that my first entrance into the lake water, the first of hopefully many swims over the summer and the inauguration of my summer holiday would most fittingly begin with something that pushed me out of my comfort zone.  And what a more perfect way, than to leap off a deck into cold water!  I knew it was safe, I knew I’d be fine and that I’m a strong swimmer…but guess what the hardest part was?  LETTING GO of the deck! (Of course ;)    It’s hard to describe all that went through my mind as I psyched myself up to let go…I knew I was safe and that the Lord would hear my prayer for safety and perhaps  for a little joy from the experience.  After a few false-starts I leaped off asking for Mary’s intercession.  I leaped off trusting that in the falling part I’d be fine, and then the rest was just swimming.  I didn’t even care about the cold water, I wanted and needed something to physically jolt me out of the stress-filled state I’ve been in lately. 

What’s funny is that as I reflected on the experience of jumping; the anxiety of crawling over the railing, the absolute fear I had to talk myself out of, the trusting prayer, the jump and the triumphant feeling as swam back to the dock, I realized that this experience in many ways is parallel to this journey of discovering my vocation and following God’s call.  In short, in August 2011, while travelling on a bus in Spain I heard the Lord ask me “When are you actually going to look into Religious life?”, I was filled with fear but deep down wanted whatever the Lord wanted for me…even if that meant actually looking into Religious life.  I had to trust, I had to let go of certain ideas/plans I thought I had in my near and far future, and I began to take baby steps.  Where does the leaping part come in? Perhaps it was when I finished my application and interview to be a Postulant. But I also think it will be when I board the plane to the USA, trusting that the Lord will help me with this “falling” portion of the journey, falling from my old life /ways into something new.  I know I’m safe and looked after, the “landing” will be great and even though I don’t know what it will look or feel like: the triumphant swim “back to the dock” and into my Saviour’s arms in the midst of the Franciscan Sisters of Christian Charity, will truly be the greatest reward.  And then I’ll get out of the water, dry myself off and get ready for the next adventure and challenge the Lord has awaiting me...I have a feeling this is only the beginning!  :)

Dear Jesus, please help us to trust you completely.  Like a little child without a care in the world, may we never forget how it feels to be wrapped in your loving arms.
As we strive to take up our cross each day and follow you, may we be strengthened to do all you need us to do (even if it means jumping into the unknown!). May we grow ever closer to you in love each day. Amen!

Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?

Good vs Evil, Stubbornness, Building your house on sand as opposed to rock - all themes found in this classic story.

I just HAD to share this lighthearted video with you...maybe sharing this catchy little tune will release it from "perpetual repeat" in my head ;)

I haven't posted anything in awhile...life has been too crazy.  The season of “letting go” is now in full force and I’ve entered a lovely time of transition – not always the easiest time but the Lord is with me.

The countdown is on until I leave for the Holy Family Convent in WI - 7 weeks!!

Seriously, did you just laugh?

**Have you subscribed to this blog? Try reading the article from the blog itself by clicking on the link in the email you’ve been sent…you’ll have access to a nicer looking format and any announcements/pictures I have put up. **

Have you ever laughed at something not because it was funny, but because it surprised or shocked you?   A friend of mine made an honest remark that when he first heard the opening line to my song “Contradiction?” he laughed.  Why??  Because it seems so crazy to tell someone you love them and yet hate them, it’s a contradiction.  If you hate them, then you clearly don’t love them.  Is that “black and white” statement true, always true, sometimes true….?

Ask anyone who knows me (including my students) and they’ll probably have to think really hard to remember a time when I actually used the word “hate”, even in a casual way.  Like I tell my students, ‘it’s a strong word’ and I don’t want to harbor ‘hate’ towards anything, that’s the kind of thing that eats at a persons’ soul, even if you’re talking about a brand of toothpaste or especially if you’re talking about another child of God.  I used this line because it is the clearest example of opposites that I relate to on an emotional level.   When I hear the opening line to my song: “I love you and I hate you”, it still jars me at some level. 

                Many people like this song, but can’t really identify why.  I personally think on some level it’s an outlet for feeling some angst or melancholy and some people are drawn to that.  But the reason I like it is because it outlines a struggle that I have and probably will always have until I’m older and wiser – this idea of thinking of things in “absolutes” or “black or white”.  When we think this way we often are 1) limiting ourselves to endless possibilities and 2) we’re tending to think that if things are not “black” or not “white” then something must be wrong.  This is what I mean when I say “Here I stand with each foot in different lands, fighting with myself to be on only one side”.  When we force ourselves into 2 options, it doesn’t leave much room for the Holy Spirit to be creative does it?

                What I have learned though and what I hope I illustrated in my song is that it’s okay to be a little bit black, a little bit white.  There’s nothing wrong as the Holy Spirit works within everything, no matter where our feet are standing.  There’s no need to always fit into just one category – especially when it comes to feelings and emotions. All things work together for the good of those who love Him, right? (Romans 8:28)  My hope with this song is that people will see that even if things don’t seem great or clear, it will be okay, it’s working out.  Being open to other options and accepting that something is not purely good or purely bad is really important and freeing.   

                When I think about my “vocation” – I am not happily standing in one “land” and may never be until the day that my deepest longing has been fulfilled: to be in God’s “land”, in the presence of God, face to face.  I think that even people who have made their choice for their vocation, would tell you that sometimes they may have a little toe in a land that they didn’t choose, if only for a moment in their thoughts.  Is that wrong? I don’t think so, God works with us no matter where we’re at.   But don’t get me wrong: there are things like loyalty, integrity and fidelity that are important to adhere to once a vow has been made.  But our God is merciful, beyond our understanding. I guess the point is that no matter where you are at - in the black, white or many shades of grey in between, God’s love and never ending mercy is surrounding us, supporting us and working with us as we journey these waters that appear so “contradictory” to us.

Wow, I really feel like I’ve been talking too much in this blog entry!  Unfortunately this topic is not “cut and dry” or “black and white” and requires a little fleshing out. ;)

  Peace and Blessings to you, enjoy the poem below!

               

               

There’s Two Sides to Everything
C. Marshall, June 2011

I love you and I hate you

It’s good, but it’s sad

It’s over but a new beginning

I’m sad but should be glad

I’m flying high, but am depressed

Am disappointed, but filled with hope

What feels good is not what’s best

And what’s best can feel like a joke

          I’m not sure what to do with you

          The source of my pleasure and pain

          The one who can make me smile or cry

          You raise me up, then tear me down

          You let me in, then shut me out

          Lord God, help me figure this one out!

Here I stand with each foot in different lands

Fighting with myself to be one only one side

I’m not sure what to do with you

Where do we go next?

If we were not meant to walk in this way

Tell me dear, explain to me, how are we to walk?

To this place where you feel fine but I am just used as a friend?

To a place where I give you what you want, but receive little in return?

I’m not sure what to do with you

The source of my pleasure and pain

The one who can make me smile or cry

You raise me up, then tear me down

You let me in, then shut me out

Lord God, help me figure this one out

Why does this have to be so complicated?

But here’s the truth, there’s nothing we did wrong

For the will of God is within both sides

The good and the bad, the love and the anger, the loneliness and joy

The emptiness and fulfillment

The will of God is within it all

It’s within it all

Success!!

There were a few moments this week when I had to entertain the idea that it wasn't going to happen...

After fighting off a sinus infection for awhile, Monday night, my voice was affected and Tuesday I couldn't even speak, I could hardly whisper let alone hum a tune! After seeing my Naturopathic doctor and two days of rest at home, I still couldn't sing and my speaking voice was so weak.  I resigned myself to the Lord and started asking for acceptance of His will because I knew that if I had to cancel my CD Release Party I would be so disappointed (and not just me, many others too!).  If He didn't want me to sing June 2, 2012 at Caffe Crema, then my voice wouldn't be back...and I'd have to reschedule everything...but I decided to trust, thing were going to work out in the way that they are meant to.

 I'm so extremely happy and pleased to say that the Lord blessed me so greatly and I thank our Mother Mary for her intercession too.  I recieved many graces this week, from celebrating the Sacrament of the Sick, being able to attend daily mass, the prayers and support given to me from those around me in spirit, and even the little bottle of  holy water I brought home from Lourdes reminded me of the Power of God.  I was able to sing, and it even seemed that as the concert went on, my voice got stronger.

As much as I don't like to miss work, I did enjoy the time last week spent in prayer, especially near the creek.  While lying on the earth, listening to the water rush by I felt so blessed and held in the loving arms of Jesus.  I felt like He was trying to pull me away from the busyness to not just heal my body but prepare my spirit to give what I needed to in the days to come. Not only was I about to share a deep part of myself with the community by sharing my thoughts, reflections and music on my CD, I'd be hosting an event where I wanted to be able to connect with people in a meaningful way.  What's funny is that this opportunity gave me some new energy I wasn't expecting and I have a feeling that the Lord wasn't just preparing me for the concert on Saturday...He was preparing me for some challenges I have up ahead in the next few weeks of June (report cards, year-end at work, saying good byes....). 

Another funny thing is that I was called upon this morning to serve as the piano player for Mass today an hour before it was to begin...normally playing piano is something that I can do but don't prefer to because even when I have practiced prior to the mass I still find it quite stressful.  Today I was still stressed, but not in a negative way...I knew it was something I was called to do and that Jesus would help me.  And I think I've figured out by now that the Lord gives me things in small manageable pieces, He's not going to ask me to do something He knows I'm not capable of doing.

Well, I think that's it for todays' entry...I just wanted to share my jubilation in PRAYERS ANSWERED and I'll be everthankful to those who show me the Lord's love by walking with me along the way.

PEACE and all things wonderful!

PS: If you want a CD, please contact me at chelmar325@gmail.com

If you want to buy it online - you'll find it at iTunes or http://cdbaby.com/cd/chelseamarshall

My Life is a Construction Site!

“Come Holy Ghost, Creator Blest,
And in our hearts take up Thy rest;
Come with Thy grace and heav'nly aid
To fill the hearts which Thou hast made,
To fill the hearts which Thou hast made”

http://www.ameshymn.org/ht0110_.htm

This weekend Fr. Andrew mentioned how the Holy Spirit transforms and renews.  This got me thinking back to a metaphor that’s been with me the past few weeks: my heart/life is a construction site right now.  And who knows, maybe it always will be until I am ready to face my maker, when my journey and all that I’ve been meant to build/accomplish has been complete.

Of course, this metaphor is not meant to be taken literally; I don’t have a bulldozer on my back or a crane hanging from my head. What’s really changing is more abstract….like changes in attachments, relationships, ideas, expectations, desires.  I feel like it’s been an excavation phase, lots of moving and adjusting things around, lots of replanting things I want to keep but in a different location or hoeing up weeds and tossing them out all together, lots of surveying and seeing where things really stand.  Although sometimes painful, this is a season of transformation, and I have faith that the Holy Spirit is very much involved.  And, even though things were pretty beautiful before, I have to have faith that I'm going though all of this for something that is renewed and even more wondrous (although in my human limitedness I don't understand 'how' or all the possibilities of 'what').

Someone pointed out to me that it’s important to remember that this construction and chaos has a beautiful end in sight, something new and wondrous.  I was relieved as it made me realize that the noise of swirling of emotions, the confusion, replanting and letting go etc will not last forever and that perhaps, there’s something very good to look forward to.  What, I don’t know exactly.  I do know that if it’s something God has cooked up, it will be good.  But I have to trust.  I have to allow Him to transform and renew me. 

Come Holy Spirit, transform our hearts and beings so that may we be a source of love, joy, faithfulness, peace, gentleness and kindness to those whom we meet.
Amen.



 Taken from: http://kezi.wordpress.com/poetries-potpourri-of-favorites/fruit-of-the-spirit/

Act of Consecration to the Holy Spirit

O Holy Spirit,
Divine Spirit of light and love,
I consecrate to Thee my understanding,
heart, and will,
my whole being for time and eternity.
May my understanding be always submissive
to Thy heavenly inspirations,
and to the teaching of the Catholic Church,
of which Thou are the infallible guide;
may my heart be ever inflamed
with love of God and of my neighbor;
may my will
be ever conformed to the divine will;
and may my whole life
be a faithful imitation of the life
and virtues of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ,
to whom with the Father and Thee
be honour and glory forever. Amen.

What to Expect When You're Expecting

Sometimes you don't even realize you're expecting something until something happens and you're hit hard with painful disappointment.

This can be found in our life experiences of expecting certain treatment from certain people or even expectations of an experience or organization.  Or perhaps you had expectations for your life that didn't work out the way you wanted.

What do you do when you're unexpectedly disappointed??

Turning to Christ and keeping your hands open is what popped into my mind.  Sometimes when we're hurt, disappointed and angry we want to close ourselves off and yank our hands away so we can't recieve anymore. Or sometimes we think - well, if I have no expectations then I'll never get hurt!  Jesus is the one you can count on.  Even though our prayers may be answered differently than we wanted/expected, we can trust Him 100% that everything is working towards the good of those who love Him.  We can trust that He sees and knows the bigger picture intimately, and that He knows best.

On this Feast of the Ascension, I wonder if some of Jesus' followers were unexpectedly disappointed.  It took some of them a long time to believe that Christ had risen from the dead and once they did, they were so overjoyed to be with Him again!  I wonder if they were partly sad that He was going to the Father and leaving them in a physical way.  Even so, no matter how they felt, they took seriously the mission of spreading the Good News and went forth in joy. 

How can we do this in our own lives?  For me today I am reminded to stay open to what the Lord is offering, even if I'm angry, hurt and disappointed in a friend I love.  Even if part of me struggles with this new path my life is taking and with the process of letting go of things in order for it to happen.  I can look to our Ascended Christ and know that He is preparing a special place for us and that this is not the end.  And until then I will keep looking for ways to love and serve as He asks.  One of my favorite quotes is this:

"All shall be well, and all shall be well, in all manner of things, all shall be well"

~ Julian of Norwich

Lord Jesus, you remain with us until the end of time.  Please help us to feel your loving presense in a special way today.  Help us to trust you and be open to see and recieve your grace in our lives. May we have the strength to go forth and lovingly serve, even in our brokenness.  We love you.

Amen

A picture taken at Elbow Falls May 2012 on the occasion of Sisters Mary Ann and Julie Ann visiting me!  What a blessed visit we had with my family and friends.  Thank you Lord!

If all the raindrops were lemon drops and...mercy drops?

What touches me about this song is the idea that sometimes the things that we perceive as "not working" or challenges in our lives are exactly what seems to help us grow and experience God's blessings and presence in a more profound way.

I like the lyric about how God loves us too much to give us lesser things...something to think about. Sometimes we think we really want something...but we’re really wanting something that's of way lesser quality than we deserve. We can't see the bigger picture. Have you heard of that story of the guy who went on a cruise and only ate the cheese and crackers he brought along with him (to save money) only to find out at the end of the cruise that the buffets and all-day snack bars that were open 24-7....were free with his ticket??

The Lord has so much to give us, we just have to be open to receive it...and that means opening our mind and not thinking that we've got it all figured out (like the cheese and cracker guy) and worse, limiting God and His possibilities (ex: God already did this and this for me...surely He's done). Perhaps we need to allow Him to change us so that His grace can affect us even more and so we can live, move and have our being in closer union with Him.

I read a quote today from "Cistercian Monastic Life/Vows: A Vision" by Jean-Marie Howe.

"Our being, our substance, must be porous in order for the Mystery to enter, to penetrate. That is the crux of the matter. It is not enough simply to be immersed in life. We must let ourselves be plowed so that the furrows of our person become deeper and deeper, so that our earth becomes softer and softer. This is something that our being craves, but this plowing is kenosis (emptying, the death which must precede new life, rebirth) and kenosis is not easy. In the measure that our being becomes porous, open, grace can penetrate us. Depth is possible. Transformation is possible. Thus an ever deepening penetration by the Mystery can fill us with spiritual being" (p.367)

Death leads to New Life, definitely something we've been celebrating a lot during this Easter season.  When have you experienced or seen  kenosis in your life?  Perhaps this was a time when your "blessings were like raindrops, mercies in disguise".

Peace!